"Sam, news flies fast in our world. The gossips talkand we've learned that Hannah Peterson has a new girlfriend, a smallHispanic woman; not that pretty but striking in a masculine sort ofway." So how are you going to end this?" Kate demanded. "How are you goingto drop Hannah so that she isn't hurt? And what were you playing at?You can't experiment with people. This is not some financial wargame."The two of them fell silent and I had the feeling I was back in mymiddle school principal's office being asked to explain away somecrime. I didn't try to think it out and just spoke."I'm in love."Dead silence greeted my words. After a long pause Lou spoke up."You can't be. You are male, no matter how you dress, and Hannah is alesbian. Dream what you want but it won't work out." I know." I just sat slumped in my chair. I felt the prickle oftears behind my eyes."I know. And I know that I have to stop this somehow, but you don'tunderstand what has happened. We all went to the Charley Dog and. ” I am always anxious before school. And why? Because I have an anxiety disorder. It’s called social anxiety. My brother knows about my anxiety because we always talk about in family therapy. I can’t even explain it, nor do I want to. This feeling stays with me even when we reach school.I think everybody is judging me, even those who I don’ know. Why am I so ugly? Why is everyone better looking then me? Those thoughts are only a few of the million I have every day. My brother would run off ahead with no trace of anxiety at all. Lucky bastard. I walked into school and Daniel was at his locker. Daniel had a big nose; he was skinny and very extraverted. He was social. I was very jealous of him so I would alter my mind to think that he was just annoying.I walked to my locker and thought: “Is the way I’m standing weird and gay looking?” A key word…gay. I wasn’t sure of my sexuality. I had a girlfriend, we did nothing, she broke up with me. She gave this bullshit reason that I forget right.
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